This isn't a tumblr... it's paper mache.

It’s good to know what’s in your blood, but only if you don’t let it dictate your behavior or where you put your nerves. If you let it, it will give you the kind of headaches borne mostly by the dim and dull of heart. You don’t have a choice, but it’s not that simple.

As for me, I cannot make it around the waterline without splintering.

The sunset happened quickly this morning. I wonder if it was as fast when I was young, when the years were longer. Could I have watched it like I did today, through my rearview, and would it have stripped me raw made me cry? I do not know.

As for me, I have been getting fevers in the sheets again.

You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Is my intent for you or for the sea? You’re crashing in that water while I’m all crushed out on land, musing muses and dirty fingernails. I meant everything I ever said to you, but baby, I have mislead you if you think my intent has ever been for anything less than my Self, in its whole and its true.

Collages all day

Collages all day


I wrote this article on my blog, but thought it could be great to share it on Tumblr with all of you. So here it is : a HUGE list of 100% healthy smoothies! I hope it will be useful ;) 

Almond and Orange Smoothie
Elvis Smoothie
Cherry Almond Smoothie
Spiced-Banana Almond Smoothie
Almond Milk and Berry Smoothie
Healthy Almond Butter Smoothie

Apple and bananas Smoothie
Carrot-Apple-Ginger Smoothie
Apple-Avocado-Banana-Grape Smoothie
Red Apple Smoothie
Spiced Apple Pie Smoothie (vegan, gluten free)
Apple-Oatmeal-Peanut Butter-Cinnamon Smoothie
Apple Pie in the Sky Smoothie
Apple-Avocado and Mint Smoothie


Simple Apricot Smoothie
5 Apricots Smoothies
Apricot-Banana Smoothie
Apricot Peach Smoothie
Apricot Mango Smoothie
Oats and Apricots Smoothie
Apricot Apple Smoothie

Quick Avocado Smoothie
Avocado Blueberry Smoothie
Strawberry Avocado Smoothie
Avocado Banana Kiwi Kale Smoothie
Avocado Mango Smoothie
Avocado Pear Smoothie
Strawberry Avocado Coconut Smoothie
Chocolate Avocado Smoothie
Bananas and Peanut Butter Smoothie
Bananas and Kiwi Smoothie
Bananas, strawberries and Flax Smoothie
Bananas and pears Smoothie
Bananas and Mango Shake
Bananas and peach Smoothie
Groovy Smoothie
Banana Blast II
Bananas and Orange Smoothie
Tropical Cooler Smoothie
Carribbean Health Drink

Wild blueberry Soy Shake
Heavenly Blueberry Smoothie
Very Berry Blueberry Smoothie
Razzy Blue Smoothie
Lemon Berry Smoothie
Blueberry Mint Smoothie

Celery Cilantro Smoothie
Celery and Apple Berry Delight
Banana Celery Smoothie
Carrot Celery Orange Ginger Juice
Mango Banana Pineapple Spinach Celery Smoothie
Celery Cucumber and Ginger Smoothie


Cherry-Bananas Smoothie
Cherry Vanilla Almond Smoothie
Cherry Soy Yogurt Smoothie
Cherry Peach Smoothie
Cherry Vanilla Bean Oatmeal Smoothie
Lush Cherry Coconut Smoothie


Chocolate, Strawberry, Banana Milkshake
Orange Chocolate Breakfast Drink
6 Chocolate Smoothies Recipes
Chocolate Peanut Butter Monster Smoothie
Ultra-Chocolate Smoothie 
Healthy Chocolate Banana Shake

Cinnamon Acai Smoothie
Orange Cinnamon Smoothie
Bapple Cinnamon Smoothie
Cranberry Vanilla Cinnamon Smoothie
Wake Up Smoothie
Apple, Peanut Butter, Cinnamon, Oatmeal Smoothie


Citrus Energy-Boosting Smoothie
The Ultimate Citrus Smoothie
Citrus and Spice Smoothie (vegan and Gluten free)
Citrus Berry Smoothie
Healthy Citrus Spinach Smoothie
Tropical MangoCitrus Smoothie

Coconut and Banana Smoothie
5 Minute Vegan Breakfast Smoothie
Coconut Almond Smoothie
Strawberry Coconut Smoothie
Coconut Avocado Smoothie
Key Lime Coconut Smoothie
Coconut Vanilla Almond Butter Smoothie
Creamy Coconut Date Shake (vegan)


Cranberry-Orange Power Smoothie
Cranberry Smoothie
Cranberry Coconut Smoothie
Cranberry Apple Smoothie
Cranberry Vanilla Cinnamon Smoothie
Cranberry Green Tea Smoothie
Cranberry and Raspberry Smoothie


Fig and bananas Smoothie
Mango Banana Figs Smoothie
Vanilla Fig Smoothie
Figs Almonds and Banana Smoothie
Fig Blueberry Not so Green Green Smoothie
Fig, Oats and Banana Smoothie

Ginger Berry Smoothie
Oranginger Smoothie
Banana Ginger Energy Smoothie
Mango Ginger Strawberry Smoothie
Kale Ginger Smoothie
Green Ginger Apple Smoothie


Fresh Grapefruit Juice Smoothie
5 Grapefruits Smoothie Recipes
Strawberry Grapefruit Smoothie
Kiwi Basil Grapefruit Anti-inflammatory Smoothie


Kale and Banana Smoothie
Kale, Orange, Banana Smoothie
Hala Kahiki Green Smoothie
Kale Spinach and Pear Smoothie
Blueberry Kale Smoothie
Kale Sunrise Green Smoothie
Peacock Kale Smoothie
Kale Banana Chia Superfood Smoothie
Pineapple Mint green Smoothie

Kinaja Smoothie
Kiwinaberry Cream Smoothie
Kiwi Sensation
Sour Smoothie
Kiwi Pineapple Smoothie
Mango Kiwi Peach Spinach Smoothie
Kiwi Fruit, Ginger, Banana Smoothie


Gloomy Day Smoothie
Mango Pineapple Green Smoothie
Mango Peach Smoothie
Pawpaw and Mango Punch
Basil Strawberry Mango Smoothie
Honey Mango Juice
Mango Mint Lassi with Indian Sweet Spices Smoothie

Melon Blackberry Smoothie
Melon Lime Cooler
Cantaloupe Yogurt Smoothie
Melon Strawberry Smoothie
Triple Melon Smoothie


Thin Mint Green Monster
Banana Mint Slush
Strawberry Mint Green Smoothie
Healthy Choc-Mint Smoothie
Cucumber Apple and Mint Cooler 


Nectarine Sunshine Smoothie
Cinnamon Nectarine Smoothie
Apple Nectarine Smoothie
Lime Mango and Nectarine Smoothie
Blueberry Nectarine Smoothie

Spiced Oatmeal Smoothie
Blueberry Mapple Smoothie
Strawberry Oatmeal Chia Smoothie
Mocha Banana Breakfast Smoothie
Pomegranate Blueberry Oatmeal Smoothie
Ginger Berries and Oats Smoothie


Orange Glorious
Orange Snowman
Janie’s Amazing Smoothie
Tropical Pineapple Mango and Orange Smoothie
Orange Push Up Smoothie (vegan, gluten free)
Peach Orange Smoothie


Papaya Surprise Smoothie
Supergirl Summer Smoothie
Banana Papaya and Spinach Smoothie
Papaya Ginger Smoothie
Papaya Ginger Mint Smoothie
Raspberry Papaya Smoothie

Peach and Banana Smoothie
Strawberry Peach Smoothie
Ginger Peach Smoothie
Cherry Peach Smoothie
Peach Green Smoothie
Honeyed Peach and Dates Smoothie

Peanut Butter

Peanut Butter and Chocolate Smoothie
Green Banana and Peanut Butter Smoothie
Dairy-Free Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothie
Peanut Butter and Strawberry Smoothie
Peanut Butter Berry Smoothie
15 Healthy Peanut Butter Smoothie Recipes

Cinnapear Smoothie
Pear-fect Smoothie
Spinach Pear Ginger Green Smoothie
Pear Ginger Cinnamon Oat Smoothie
Sweet Pear Green Smoothie


C-Blast Smoothie
Pineapple and Banana Smoothie
Pineapple Mango Smoothie
Pineapple Sunrise Smoothie
Tropical Tea Smoothie
Strawberry Pineapple Coconut Smoothie

Apple Pie Smoothie
Pumpkin Spice Protein Drink
Pumpkin Peanut Butter Smoothie
Healthy Pumpkin Smoothie
Pumpkin Spice Smoothie
Pumpkin Banana Vanilla Smoothie


Raspberry and Blackberry Smoothie
Raspberry Fudge Smoothie
Raspberry Mango Smoothie
Orange Raspberry Banana Chia Smoothie
Blushing Apple Smoothie
Berry Kale Smoothie

Rosy Rhubarb Smoothie
5 Rhubarb Smoothie Recipes you’ll want to try
Rhubarb Strawberry Smoothie 
Rhubarb Green Smoothie
Berry Rhubarb Smoothie


Spinach and Strawberry Smoothie
Spinach and Kale Smoothie
Green Slime Smoothie
Green Monster Smoothie
Kid Approved Green Smoothie

Strawberry and beet Smoothie
Strawberry-yoghurt Smoothie
Strawberry Oatmeal Breakfast Smoothie
Cool-Off Smoothie
Red, White and Blue Fruit Smoothie
Strawberry, Orange, Banana Smoothie
Quick Start Breakfast Drink
Strawberry-Grapefruit Smoothie
Sweet Potato 

Sweet Potato and Banana Smoothie
Better than Ice Cream Sweet Potato Smoothie
Sweet Potato Pie Smoothie
Luscious Sweet Potato and Almond Smoothie
Refreshing Sweet Potato and Peach Smoothie

Tofuberry Smoothie
Raspberry, Banana, Tofu Shake
Vegan Vanilla Milkshake Smoothie
Blueberry Power Smoothie
Banana Cocoa Soy Smoothie


Watermelon Bliss Smoothie
Watermelon with a Hint of Mint
Pink Watermelon Smoothie
Watermelon Kiwi Smoothie
Watermelon Yogurt Mint Smoothie


I wrote this article on my blog, but thought it could be great to share it on Tumblr with all of you. So here it is : a HUGE list of 100% healthy smoothies! I hope it will be useful ;) 

Peanut Butter

This is a call to action.

I didn’t mean to ignore you. I fell asleep, and it’s hard for me to keep the days straight. I know you can’t blame me for that. I know you can’t blame me for my mind running around in circles, for (again) coming to that crushing realization that I do not have what it takes to be like them. I am reminded, consistently, by the ones that love me (or love what I could be), that I could find what they have, that I could have it as my own. But it’s as if they do not care that in order to have it, I would have to discard something important.

I am already whole. I am not missing anything.

I would have to trade out for something that frightens me. I do not mean that it makes me feel exhilarated, that it motivates me in any way. I mean only that it disgusts the deepest, most feral parts of my brain. Like living for months with something strange on the tip of your olfactory sense, then lifting up the floorboards to find your own rotting body as the source. I do not want to trade out what I have for something rotten.

Now, write this down.

I am not perfect. I am fractal. I am rudely pushed in on from both sides until I cannot breathe. Maybe I will never be more than that, but if I know— if I know that I will never be able to breathe just right, no matter which lungs I use, then why would I choose to use the lungs that taste like something chemical on the softest tendrils of my poor tongue?

This morning I noticed that the veins in my legs are migrating closer to the surface. Now my hands are looking blue (or grey or shifty), and I am reminded that it has always been the veins that are the problem.

"You’re creating the problem. There is only what there is. A problem suggests a solution." I know

a lot less than what he does about the west coast, which is where you are. I also don’t know much about history. I know biology. I’ve got a few years I’ve gotta be

have to be catching up. We should catch up. On the beach or… where? I don’t know. Did we ever?

For instance, the ringing in your ear and the train (which would remind me of you) and the first words you said to my body, absently, and I can’t let go.

You know, I’m actually NOT doing the best that I can. She was right when she, both forceful and indirect, said that I had no ambition. No

I have no ambition, but if I did, I know just where I’d keep it. Fluid, [you have to make it] noxious. I’m only slightly hurt by what you hid from me so long, while knowing what I crushed of yours before. I cannot learn this lesson by myself, so why

would I have any ambition, you know? Where do you suppose I would have found it?, or do you think it grows inside or maybe comes all prepackaged and ready to swallow in its fullbloom as soon as we burst out of those wombs (too warm, I bet, for me, maybe my brain had cooked in there

too long) I’ve been waiting for an answer, for a solution, for an alternative, but (you know)

a solution suggests a problem, too.

Some days I wish I were dead.

Some days I wish I were dead.


show me your face / august 2014


show me your face / august 2014


Dark Pond.18” x 18”, oil on wood
Alex Kanevsky 


Dark Pond.
18” x 18”, oil on wood

Alex Kanevsky 

And that’s what’s so nice about doing the thing that I do. Even when I am alone, I’m not.

What I meant to say was, would you mind very much smoothing out the wrinkles in my brain? Deepen the lines in my face and trace them to the epicenter, find the bruising and rub it out.

That is what keeps me going, but it is also the thing that keeps me needing something to keep me going.

I caught myself standing at the edge of telling you, but there was this stillness there, and I guess that has always been the problem. Just when I’m about to make some motion, the external stillness is too pervasive to allow something like me to change it.

Or that is overly romantic. Really I am a Bad Thing and it is very simple. All this effort is meant only to convince myself and others that I am not really like this, that I know how right now it must seem that I am this way, but really I am much better than this.

But being aware that you are awful does not by virtue of itself negate the fact that you are awful. It is a perpetual, self-masturbatory delusion, and it helps you to get away with it. That’s just part of the plan. Compunction without intent to change is hollow in the most damning way.

So that’s what’s so terrible about doing the thing that I do. Even when I am not alone, I am.


Please keep this circulating. Cops are getting more and more brazen, know your rights!


this is my favorite part of american horror story murder house


this is my favorite part of american horror story murder house

I believe in the lust of the flesh and the soul’s incurable loneliness.
Hjalmar Söderberg, Gertrud (via fables-of-the-reconstruction)
A blood test for suicide?


Johns Hopkins researchers say they have discovered a chemical alteration in a single human gene linked to stress reactions that, if confirmed in larger studies, could give doctors a simple blood test to reliably predict a person’s risk of attempting suicide.


The discovery, described online in The American Journal of Psychiatry, suggests that changes in a gene involved in the function of the brain’s response to stress hormones plays a significant role in turning what might otherwise be an unremarkable reaction to the strain of everyday life into suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

“Suicide is a major preventable public health problem, but we have been stymied in our prevention efforts because we have no consistent way to predict those who are at increased risk of killing themselves,” says study leader Zachary Kaminsky, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “With a test like ours, we may be able to stem suicide rates by identifying those people and intervening early enough to head off a catastrophe.”

For his series of experiments, Kaminsky and his colleagues focused on a genetic mutation in a gene known as SKA2. By looking at brain samples from mentally ill and healthy people, the researchers found that in samples from people who had died by suicide, levels of SKA2 were significantly reduced.

Within this common mutation, they then found in some subjects an epigenetic modification that altered the way the SKA2 gene functioned without changing the gene’s underlying DNA sequence. The modification added chemicals called methyl groups to the gene. Higher levels of methylation were then found in the same study subjects who had killed themselves. The higher levels of methylation among suicide decedents were then replicated in two independent brain cohorts.

In another part of the study, the researchers tested three different sets of blood samples, the largest one involving 325 participants in the Johns Hopkins Center for Prevention Research Study found similar methylation increases at SKA2 in individuals with suicidal thoughts or attempts. They then designed a model analysis that predicted which of the participants were experiencing suicidal thoughts or had attempted suicide with 80 percent certainty. Those with more severe risk of suicide were predicted with 90 percent accuracy. In the youngest data set, they were able to identify with 96 percent accuracy whether or not a participant had attempted suicide, based on blood test results.

The SKA2 gene is expressed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is involved in inhibiting negative thoughts and controlling impulsive behavior. SKA2 is specifically responsible for chaperoning stress hormone receptors into cells’ nuclei so they can do their job. If there isn’t enough SKA2, or it is altered in some way, the stress hormone receptor is unable to suppress the release of cortisol throughout the brain. Previous research has shown that such cortisol release is abnormal in people who attempt or die by suicide.

Kaminsky says a test based on these findings might best be used to predict future suicide attempts in those who are ill, to restrict lethal means or methods among those a risk, or to make decisions regarding the intensity of intervention approaches.

He says that it might make sense for use in the military to test whether members have the gene mutation that makes them more vulnerable. Those at risk could be more closely monitored when they returned home after deployment. A test could also be useful in a psychiatric emergency room, he says, as part of a suicide risk assessment when doctors try to assess level of suicide risk.

The test could be used in all sorts of safety assessment decisions like the need for hospitalization and closeness of monitoring. Kaminsky says another possible use that needs more study could be to inform treatment decisions, such as whether or not to give certain medications that have been linked with suicidal thoughts.

“We have found a gene that we think could be really important for consistently identifying a range of behaviors from suicidal thoughts to attempts to completions,” Kaminsky says. “We need to study this in a larger sample but we believe that we might be able to monitor the blood to identify those at risk of suicide.”

Yellow means warm. That much, I remember.

My father was sober when I was born. I am more like him every day, instead of less. I tell myself, sometimes, that I am getting better— getting sober, getting solid, getting healthy, getting happy— all leveled out like someday I will have a foundation. Some days, I really am all those things. But that’s just part of it. Even getting better is a symptom of not ever getting any better. My father was no longer sober by the time my brother was born. 

Black means cold, but sometimes (usually) just at the tips. Except for in the car.

"Winter is too hard," you said, and I remembered the girl who, in the fall, would pull out her hair and throw herself against the wall. If I fall in love with you in summer, and if then we spend these next months threading our lives together, what am I supposed to do when spring comes and I can no longer stand the sight of you? When I wake up and am surprised that I am more lonely than I have ever been (because you know it gets worse every time), what am I supposed to say then? How can I trust the same brain that told me that I would want you forever when it tells me that I will never want you again?

I remember yellow against the skin of your thigh, a contrast. I cannot remember if I liked the way it looked.

Someday, the perfume that I spray in my hair when I am at the end of your driveway will run out. I will probably not buy more. But I will keep the empty bottle, and years from now when I am trying to remember the things you said to me in the dark and how to tell hot from cold, I will inhale, and it will hit me like a thousand summers all at once.